do u ever have a thought that’s so fuckin inappropriate that u feel like dumping a bucket of water on urself like. calm down, self. tone it down. think about jesus
DID THEY SEND US DAUGHTERS
WHEN I ASKED
I don’t care who you are. If your girlfriend falls asleep in your lap, and even after 30 minutes when both of your legs go numb, don’t move. You fucking stay there and appreciate the cute little thing in your lap. If you move you’re weak and natural selection is coming for you.
my whole life
Imagine finding a dragon egg one day, and it hatches in your house and thinks you’re its mom. Then the next morning you wake up and find this mini dragon has gathered all the lose change and shiny objects in your house in a pile, and is gnawing on a nickel. And then when you take it out for walks, it picks up every coin it sees cause its a hoarder. And your house is eventually full of coins. And you are rich. And have a dragon.